|"Hold on a second y'all, I'm about to drop a deuce." -Their mother right before giving birth.|
Guess who's back...back again... Teen Mom's back...tell a friend.
Ohh heeeey kids! I hope you're as excited to be back as I am. I seriously feel like it's the first day of school, except instead of learning, it's just me snarking on a bunch of tragic teenagers. Although, that easily could've been your school experience. I don't know your life. Admittedly, I'm going into this blind. I may eff up some names and confuse things, so please forgive me for that. We're growing together. It takes work. EITHER WAY, we're back, we're happy, let's f-ing do this thing.
--Written by Carrie--
--Pic'd and captioned by Clinto--
So first off, we have Jenelle. She apparently is a peach who immediatley signed over custody to her mom, dates someone named Kiefer (not Sutherland! I know! I was surprised too) and stole her mom's credit cards. Soooo...trashy by even Teen Mom standards. We also open on her openly lying to her mom about bailing ol' Keef out of jail. I think she's going to be my spirit animal of this season. Anyway, Jenelle meets Kiefer at the park and he's got a lip ring and she's wearing sweatpants in public, so this is getting progressively less promising.
Next we have Leah, who is rocking the straight bangs/curly hair look which is delightful. She married her baby daddy and has twins and I think she's my Maci, aka she's pretty and seems sweet so she'll trick me into liking her before I realize how batshit she is. Also, one of her babies is wearing what appear to be baby goggles and it's fantastic AND her husband never closes his mouth. Ever. They're having some kind of conversation but all I can focus on is the fact that he is literally a slack-jawed yokel.
Kailynn (note: not a real name) is up next. She's got a face and a half on her. She's not with her baby daddy anymore and is dating someone else pretty seriously, despite the fact that she's reminiscent of Cher's kid from the movie Mask (10 Teen Mom points if you get that reference). Her boyfriend is also oddly hot so that's a little upsetting. It should also be noted that her baby daddy spells his name Jo. I'm not sure exactly why but I felt like you needed to know.
And finally, Chelsea. Her ex-boyfriend wears a cut off t-shirt with no sides, so I instantly love him. Her baby is suuuuuper cute, and I guess her drama is mostly over her baby daddy issues. If his life choices are as good as his shirt choices, I assume everything will work out perfectly.
So now Leah is trying to find a job to get her away from her babies. I can't imagine how rough being a mom of twins is if working at a low rent Kroeger seems like a better option than being at home.
Kailyn drops her baby off with Jo and goes to pick pumpkins with...someone? Who is that? Ah well. She also is planning on bringing her new bf with her for a baby event with her old bf and thinks that'll be fine. Granted, I didn't see the first Teen Mom on them, but based on the 5 second clip I saw of Jo calling her a piece of shit, I have my doubts that it will be fine.
Jenelle's brother (blonde kid, brother, right?) has the most fantastic mustache of all time. I don't even know what he's talking about with Jenelle, I keep hearing the word Kiefer but all I can see is his flesh colored stache. So I guess people are concerned about Kiefer, but I can't be sure. My white trash stache blackout was that intense.
Back to Chelsea, she put on her finest track pants to see her ex. Naturally. He, obvs, is rocking both a barbed wire tattoo AND a backwards hat and goatee. The douche trifecta. He's also laying it on thick and it's making me want to punch him in the face. He's like a rapey version of Ryan but without any of the hilarity.
Jenelle is still secretly dating Kiefer and also dresses like a hobo to meet her boyfriend. They have a sexy meeting in what appears to be a Target and then a Dave and Busters, and he says he's glad he went to jail bc if he didn't, they'd be broken up. Really? That actually is a thought that you have? Sweet. So she stays out late and her mom is like you were out too late so you can't watch the baby. And then when her mom is like you broke the rules, you can't watch him, she calls her mom a fucking idiot and a stupid bitch. Like an adult. She then lies in bed and cries about it. Like an adult. So she calls her boyfriend to come over while her mom is away. LIKE AN ADULT.
So now it's Halloween and Facelyn is getting ready to take her baby trick or treating with her boyfriend. So I guess she's not bringing her boyfriend but is just hiding it from Jo? Still, poor choice.
Leah is interviewing to work at a dentist's office and got hired on the spot, despite the fact that her husband doesn't want her working around guys. Sounds healthy and totally fine. Personally, I'm pro any of these girls doing anything mildly productive as it happens so rarely, so I for one am pleased.
Jenelle is dressing her baby up as a bee for halloween - on another note, can I just say how much I LOVE Teen Mom halloween episodes? Babies in costumes helps distract me from the fact that these childrens' lives are literally peaking in front of me. At age one.
So back to Leah and her husband, he's jealous of her job and also kind of looks like he waxes his eyebrows. And still isn't concerned with keeping his mouth closed. He actually says he trusts her enough to work. How kind of you, douche. So her babies are lady bugs - I'm not sure what this insect trend is, buuuut it's pretty f-ing cute.
Facelyn and Jordan are ready and in no way have cohesive costumes. It looks like her bf is a giant baby, her baby is a giraffe, and she's a cowboy? Also her hat lights up? I think it's safe to say that her boyfriend in a baby costume is the creepiest thing I've seen all night. Please note he chose to keep the costume on when they got home, bonnet included. Unnerving at best.
More Halloween pumpkin fun, Chelsea goes to the patch (that's what all the cool kids are calling it, right?) to talk about Adam and pick up absolutely filthy pumpkins. Her baby is disinterested at best, as am I. So AGAIN people are telling her to stay away, and spoiler alert! I bet she won't and we get a whole season of this nonsense!
Leah's going scrub shopping and OMG ANOTHER CLIP OF THE BABY IN THE BABY GOGGLES. I think that's by far my favorite thing about this Teen Mom. I loove iiiit. So she and her friend are talking about her working like she's going to goddamn war, and Cletus the slackjawed husband gets wings and talks it out. He gets behind her working and realizes that a dentist office isn't a brothel and all is well and good.
You know what's not all well and good? Jenelle's mom sees her with Kiefer (Keitha? Keefa? Keefla?) and flips the eff out and screams at her. It's actually really horrible to watch her mom berate her, and they straight up verbally abuse each other for about a minute. Come on, Teen Mom, I hate it when you get ugly. So that was awful and our closing montage ends on her sitting on the driveway with all her stuff, since her mom kicked her out... yikes. Where's Tyler and his wisdom when you need him?
So there we have it, kids. I have a feeling this go around is going to be a lot less Frankenboyfriend and a lot more ugly mom yelling. But we can do this, together. Isn't that what Teen Mom is all about?*