|The title of this episode leads you to believe things will happen that nobody expects. Did you expect everybody's lives to suck? Well then you'll want to refer to this episode as "Straight Pitch."|
So tonight we begin with Facelyn dropping her baby off with Joe and her mom's bf straight up hating her. Based on the note he left her, he seems like a lovely person. Facelyn is immediately pissed and frankly, I'm on her side. So far she seems like the only one who actually works for her money and I feel like boyfriend Mcgoo should appreciate that.
So then we cut to Jenelle who is living on the streets with her BOOOOYYYFRIIIIEEEEND (I sincerely hope you all read that in the Jenelle's mom voice, as I intended it to be read that way). And by streets, I mean living in her car, and shock! They haven't been getting along since Kiefer's been drinking. Also they live in a car, so I can't imagine that situation fosters great relationships. I do appreciate that they have to close caption Kiefer despite the fact that he speaks English, a la FrankenKyle (ohhh FrankenKyle, how I miss thee) last season. So they go take a shower at Jenelle's friends house (what a sad sentence) and all of this is pretty grim.
--Written by Carrie--
--Pic'ed and captioned by Clinto--
--Written by Carrie--
--Pic'ed and captioned by Clinto--
So Chelsea has let Adam take care of Audrey, who uses that as an opportunity to creep on her via Facebook. Well played, Adam. Well played. She's like oh should I get back with him? Really, Chelsea? No. No you shouldn't. YOUR BABY DADDY IS CREEPING ON YOU VIA FACEBOOK. There is no happy ending to that little fairy tale. Anyway, she re-tears her knee or something so I guess that takes her mind off Adam. Thank goodness for small ACL miracles.
Leah started her new job as a dental assistant and holy god are her babies so cute. So she's exhausted because she's working and being a mom (imagine that) and has to take Goggle Baby (MY FAVORITE BABY) to the doctor to see how her goggle issues are panning out. So they're talking about all that and seeing whats up with Goggle Baby and Cletus is doing a surprisingly good job of keeping his mouth closed during all of that. Good work, Cletus. Although he doesn't really stick the landing as his mouth has now been open for the past two minutes.
|*That look on his face like he's watching someone who's seconds away from beating his highscore in Deer Hunter.|
So back to Chelsea, I guess she needs surgery. Her friend was like oh is Adam going to help out? Let me answer that for you, friend. No. No, Adam is not going to help out. Adam is going to creep on Facebook and be a weirdo until Chelsea gives in and then he's like oh wait eff this. What a fun adventure that will be! He comes over with the baby after that and tries to flirt with her by offering to perform her surgery? THEN he's like oh did you see my Facebook message? Weak game, Adam. Extra week game.
Facelyn wants a new apartment and I genuinely feel bad for her since her mom's bf is being a total douche to her and she's all oh my mom puts her boyfriend first. Everyone reading - putting your boyfriend first is how you end up turning your sweet little girl into a Teen Mom. Just saying. So she's like oh, boyfriend, are you going to move out? And he's all nope def not, so again, we follow the precedent of Teen Moms having totally supportive and awesome boyfriends. Instead he's like oh hey, get welfare instead of me helping you! Because our government is doing great and that seems like a perfect solution. Good instinct, Jordan. Although even while giving advice like that, you're still probably the best boyfriend on this season of Teen Mom.
Jenelle looks surprisingly refreshed for someone who lives in a car. Kiefer's hair is pretty out of control and they're getting into lover's quarrels about how Kiefer wants to gamble and Jenelle doesn't want him to. None of this part of the recap is okay.
So it's time for Goggle Baby to go to the dotor and OH MY GOD Goggle Baby is dressed up in a little leopard hoodie with ears and oh man best baby ever. So I guess her precious, precious goggles aren't really helping with whatever is wrong with her and that's really sad. So they have to take an MRI of Goggle Baby and put her under and this Teen Mom is much less hilarious than last season so far and I kind of hate that.
Facelynn is still trying to figure out what her plan is and actually found a non-profit that helps young moms. I'm gonna say it, guys. I like her. She seems smart and not lazy and I feel bad that I immediately pegged her as this season's Amber based on...you know, her giant face.
Chelsea is on meds to help with her leg and is still undecided about Adam. Don't. Do. It. Chelsea. Adam sucks and I get that you're 18 and I was 18 once and just as stupid as you but Jesus Christ, come on. He sucks, how many times does he have to prove it to you? Her friend is basically doling out the same advice I'm yelling at my TV but we both know she's gonna run back to Adam and he's gonna bang a bunch of other girls and again, no one wins on Teen Mom.
Jenelle picks Kiefer up from gambling (awesomeeeeee) and he's like oh you're being a bitch. Sweet. So she tries to talk to him and he just straight up gets out of the car (house?).
Leah is really upset about Goggle Baby needing an MRI and her mom is super supportive and nice about it, and that's a nice change for this season of Teen Mom.
SHOCKINGLY, Chelsea is taking Adam back. I know, guys. I didn't see that coming either. But she isn't telling anyone, because that's what you do when you know you're making a great choice. You hide it from everyone you love. She tries to justify it to her dad by being like oh the baby likes it when we're together. Really, Chelsea? She's a tiny baby. She doesn't know anything. Stop trying to blame your poor decisions on your tiny baby with her one little unicorn pony tail.
Facelynn goes to find an apartment with her baby and the help of the non-profilt she found. Seriously, this is like 200x more rewarding to watch than stupid fucking Amber buying her stupid fucking giant house which I assume she paid for with entitlement instead of money because that's all she could possibly have. Sorry - clearly there's still a lot of Teen Mom 1 rage left in me.
Kieffer (Keefla? Keefha) brings booze to go bowling because seriously, he lives in a car. Why wouldn't he bring booze bowling? I don't live in a car and I totally, totally do that. So Jenelle handles that like an adult and just yells at him about it in front of his friends. She's all don't drink in front of me so he gets out of the car and chugs from the bottle and thus creates my favorite Teen Mom moment all episode where she throws the drivers change jar at Keefla and HE IS PISSED. No, not Kieffer, the owner of the change jar. Real talk, I think "THAT WAS MY CHANGE JAR, JENELLE!" is about to be my new catchphrase when I'm pissy. But okay, it gets not fun after that and she flips out and Kieffer appears to either hit her or at least totally shove her in a car and dude, I've said it once and I'll say it again, this season is bleeeeaaaaak.
Chelsea hasn't been able to study for her GED because of her knee (and by knee I mean her loser boyfriend Adam) and he's around I guess and talking about marrying her and HOLY SHIT CHELSEA GET AWAY. I've dated this guy. I've dated him over, and over, and over, and over and it all turns out the same way and he turns out to be fucking psycho and Aubrey is NOT happy you're together, you're delusional. RUN.
So Leah is with her mom and nuggggghhh Goggle Baby I love you, I hope your MRI turns out okay. Non-Goggle Baby (lame) walks or something and everyone's excited. So her mom was like oh guess what I read about Goggle Baby? If she has this disease, she could go blind! Good instinct mom, thanks for that. So Leah looks like she wants to vom through all that and what a fun ending to their segment.
|Goggle Baby wasn't listening to what grandma said because Goggle Baby is the star and needs her sleep.|
Our montage tonight is Chelsea and Adam, Facelynn doing it for herself, Leah looking horrified, and Jenelle walking alone down a street. Sad montage, even by Teen Mom standards - so what do you think, guys? Do we need more Goggle Baby? Less Goggle Baby (WE DO NOT NEED LESS GOGGLE BABY)? More rednecks yelling about their respective change jars? I don't have any answers but I for one think we need to liven this shit up.