Thursday, December 29, 2011

Last Night's Teen Mom 2: Let's Talk About Sex (In Front Of Our) Baby

SO GUYS, Jenelle cut her hair, and is failing math and turning 19! Her mom is blaming it on Kieffer, which I'm pretty much in support of. Her mom gives her a big old speech about honesty and not seeing Kieffer and I feel like this is foreshadowing for the inevitable dumbass Jenelle decision to start hanging out with him again.

Facelyn last saw her mom when she gave her the remote control to the TV, and her boyfriend must be a GIANT because that shot of them sitting on the couch together made it look like he could crush her. Her friend awkwardly was like are you guys banging? Do you use condoms? Tell me every creepy detail of your sex life on TV. And they are (gross) but are using condoms and I guess this is supposed to be like some kind of learning from her mistakes PSA thing, but all I can think about is how gross their boning probably is and nughhhh, I hate you MTV.

--Written by Carrie--
--Pic'd and captioned by Clinto--

This is why there needs to be a furniture section at the Big N' Tall.
Surprise, Surprise! Chelsea is pissed at Adam because he was being Adam and called her a bitch and took the baby and just peaced when she expected any sort of common decency. She calls her dad to tell him and he's like uhh yeah it's Adam, no shit. And then she spills some kind of water...machine (I may not be a doctor) attached to her knee, which is just icing on the Adam cake.

Leah is soon going to find out what's going on with my precious, precious goggle baby. She's like Corey, can you come with me and he's like nope take your mom or sister. Leah, your sister....woof. So she asks her mom and sister and they can't go, so they try to pawn it off on Leah's grandmom.

Does anyone else think it's kind of sexy how Leah pronounces MRI "MRah"? No, just me? (Slowly walks away) I was never here.
Jenelle is officially 19! And what does her mom get her? Fix-A-Flat and jumper cables? I don't even know what that is, but it's always refreshing to see a mom who gets her daughter's gifts at Pep Boys. Also....didn't Jenelle have short hair in the first part of the show? Now it's long again. MTV's reality trickery is effing with me again. So they're talking about Jenelle's future and Kieffer and how he ruins all her dreams, and the baby is just being pretty cute.

"Happy birthday! It's things you need for ya cah!"
Adam skipped out on Chelsea with her baby and won't return her calls, when he was supposed to be taking her to the hospital for PT. Ohhh, Adam. What a gem you are. So the PT doctor is creepy and is like is your husband...boyfriend..helping you? And I'm sure it was a doctorly thing to say but he's got rape eyes so it's pretty unnerving.

Facelyn is getting stressed by being a single mom, but unlike Adam, her baby daddy isn't a total monster. And has a really nice kitchen. But I digress. So she's going to her ladydoctor to talk birth control since she's banging her giant boyfriend. And GOOD LORD he is 100x creepier than the PT guy. He also tries to involve the baby in discussing her vaginal ring, which, no. Just no. Also gewwww talking about putting in her IUD gewwwww. He might as well have winked at her when he was like "we can put it in today." OHHH AND THEY'RE TELEVISING IT. That...I can't. I just can't.

If you want we can put it in today! (Lowers voice, leans forward) M..y...p..e..n..i..s.
So Corey's Meemaw is going to take care of goggle baby while she finds out what's going on with her adorable, adorable child. Leah's Gam Gam decides to go with her, and goggle baby does have a small optic nerve. She has one healthy eye and one slightly damaged eye, and nothing is wrong with her brain or spain! Yayyy goggle baby!

So long-haired Jenelle (seriously, did I just see the first part wrong? wtf?) got creeped on via Facebook by Kieffer - Teen Moms, come on, de-friend your scumbag baby daddies! They are just WAITING to send you weird messages or chat with you and no one wins. Anyway she may or may not turn him in when she goes to see him, and is like I hope this isn't a bad idea. Hey Jenelle? It is.

This moment will hereby be referred to as the great Carrie fakeout.
Facelyn is back after the creepiest gyno visit ever and is telling Jordan the Giant in explicit detail about her IUD. Because that's definitely want your 20 year old, hillbilly boyfriend wants to hear about. I mean I guess she has a point that they should talk about birth control like adults but ew.

AAAND my new favorite TM2 sentence: "I haven't seen Kieffer in a week, but I'm nervous about giving him a ride to jail." He's like oh I kicked your car but I didn't assault you. And apparently he didn't and just kicked her car? All of this seems juuust tragic.

Anyone with that kind of leg strength and that little self control should be put in jail.
Adam finally rolls up with Chelsea's daughter and he's just the worst. He's like oh the baby didn't nap so you take care of her and they fight and he's just like welp see ya. Good work, Adam.

Goggle baby is back at home with Leah and Cletus! Yayyy goggle baby! Other baby is chewing the couch. Boooo, other baby! They both acknowledge how much better goggle baby is than other baby because of her awesome glasses and I'm really glad we're all in agreement about that.

Facelyn is upset that her mongoloid boyfriend didn't want to talk about her metal uterus and then they talk about it and he's fine with everything. Nothing else really happens there, I just really wanted to use the phrase metal uterus.

Artist rendition of Marina.*
Jenelle finally takes Kieffer to jail and he's like ohhh I'm upset and nervous and I don't deserve to be in jail. Don't write me if I get locked up and it'll hurt too bad to get letters? And oh my god he's just straight up guilt tripping her and being an asshole. He also repeatedly calls the jail person who is clearly a woman "Sir". AND is wearing socks and flip flops. Off to a great start. So Kieffer goes to jail and is like I LOVE YOU before he goes back there, like he's going away for life instead of maybe a weekend. Stay classy, Teen Mom.

So what do we think? Less depressing than the previous episodes, but more unnerving and uterus focused? Did Kieffer actually assault Jenelle? Did Jenelle cut her hair or what? Why is goggle baby so awesome? So many questions, so marinate on all that and I'll see you back here next week.

Bonus Teen Mom cat gif fo dat ass.

--Written by Carrie (Tweet'er)--
--Pic'd and captioned by Clinto (Tweet'im)--

*Colossus X-Men gender swap from artist Timberoo

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