Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Last Night's Teen Mom 2: It's Better If We Cry Together

"Pleaase tell me this bitch is not wearing a fur coat to brunch." #Judgementalbabythoughts

Welcome back to our third installment of Teen Mom 2 aka the most depressing Teen Mom of all time aka Goggle Baby Theatre (yes, theatre - goggle baby is fancy). 

And YES we start off the show with goggle baby and her other, less adorable sister. And I guess Leah and her friend. They're talking about how she married Cory too fast and uhhh no shit? You're 18 and married because you got knocked up, it wasn't exactly a well thought out plan. 

Facelyn got her new place with help from a program that helps single moms and that's pretty awesome. Her goofy bf, who I will forever picture as a giant baby thanks to Halloween, is supportive and that's a refreshing change for this show. Since this season is apparently the poor man's version of regular Teen Mom, he's like the poor man's Tyler (sigh...Tyler) but not nearly as amazing. 

-Written by Carrie-
-Pic'd and captioned by Clinto-

Y u no everyone's boyfriend?
Whoaaaa Chelsea's hair. It's always nice to see a prom-esque updo paired with sweats. Adam is apparently helping Chelsea with things after her surgery and her dad is of course terrified for her decision making, as it's terrible. 

Jenelle is still living with her car (jesus) and Kieffer hit her. While they were living in the car together. And none of her friends will help her. So she wants her mom to take her back in and I am going to predict a horribly depressing ending to all of this.

Facelyn is moving and trying to hide from her mom that she's moving out? That whole scene was just insane and weird so there's not a ton to say about that.

Adam is now watching Aubree with Chelsea and immediately throws her on the ground and makes her cry. He also is like relax, she's fine, while the baby is screaming and red and obviously upset. Another Teen Mom situation that is about to end horribly.

"How To Enter Every Room Like A Serial Killer" By This Guy.
So Chelsea is getting her knee junk done today and Adam is being all sorts of whiney about having to watch his own daughter. Aubree (understandably) cries when she's left alone with her dad and off Chelsea goes.

Facelyn moves out and just calls her mom and is like oh hey I moved out. She doesn't care except she wants the TV back aaand again we see how a Teen Mom was created.

Chelsea's out of surgery and oh my god is Adam a terrible Dad. And human being. AND has a barbed wire tattoo. You can visibly see Chelsea regretting her life choices after surgery. 

The face of regret is not often seen on Teen Mom. Just kidding.
Sidenote: if I see one more commerical for that goddamn Pants show I'm going to scream. And I'm one of the like 18 people in the country who has actually read that book and liked it. We get it, MTV, there's a new show to watch. However, since it's not about Jersey trash or babies havin' babies, no one's going ot watch it. Enough with the ads. 

SIDENOTE 2: Electric Sidenoteloo: apparently there's an after show tonight? Please tell me that EVERYONE saw Chelsea's makeover on the commercial. If Christina Aguilera keeps binge eating, that is exactly what she's going to look like in one year.

This ad seems appropriate though. Definitely keep this one.
Jenelle pressed charges against Kieffer and then talked it out with her friend at somewhere called the Flying Pig. Strangely appropriate. Her friend looks like a giant bug with a lip ring (or possibly creepy lip-mole) and I guess is worried about Jenelle or something.

Facelyn goes to pick up her baby from Jo with no e and take Isaac back to her new house/his laundry bedroom. Her mom texts her to say she loves her and to make sure she's okay living by herself at only 18 and with a baby. JK!!! Facelyn forgot the remote to the TV and needs it back ASAP and that's all she said in her text. Delightful.

Goggle baby is getting her MRI today and awww goggle baby! It'll be okay! She has to get put under and it's so saaad watching this little baby with all these tubes and I hate it.

"You betta not post no pictures of me with a bunch of tubes in my mouth." #Sassybabythoughts
Chelsea starts her final segment with "even though I dont like the way Adam takes care of Aubree, I guess I have to trust him." Good lord that is grim. And now they're fine again because Chelsea was like oh I was in a lot of pain yesterday, not hey, you're a bad dad and a total a-hole. Eww also they're really touchy and I think I may dislike him more than Cory the slack-jawed yokel.

Jenelle is trying to live with her mom again and now they're wearing matching orange outfits for some reason. Maybe for bonding purposes?  So her mom is like you can come back home if you take better care of your son, and again, there is a 0% chance of a happy ending for all that.

Facelyn goes to return the remote to her mom, charmingly named Suzi. Her mom is.....awful. Her mom is awful. Their whole discussion is awful and there's ugly crying and just, gross.

Leah and Cletus are waiting for goggle baby to get out of her MRI and they don't tell you if she's fine (she is) and what a mean way to end Teen Mom 2. What the hell, Teen Mom 2? What is your deal this season? You are far less full of hilarious Farrah brattiness and much more full of baby MRIs and homeless teen parents and horrible regular parents and domestic abuse. So there we have it, another episode of the most depressing show on earth. Please join me next week so we can ugly cry together.


God save the queen.

1 comment:

  1. LOVE IT! Can you pleaseee post a screen cap of Chelsea's makeover on the "after show"? That hair can't be unseen.


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