|Soul patch, faux hawk, reading glasses. Who else is feeling hot right now?|
Because my best Teem Mom recaps are after 1-5 glasses of leftover hurricane wine...
WHAT A TREAT, guys. We get to start with Amber! Who is trying to not focus on her domestic abuse charges by decorating her house for Christmas with Clinton. Which is exactly my move when I'm facing charges and custody loss of my child. Clinton again looks awesome. Sweet fauxhawk, bro. Gary sends Amber a thousand flowers and talks ish to Clinton who threatens to beat him up? Okay, Teen Mom Clinton (again, not to be confused with BadTV Clinton - I did an impromptu DNA test - not the same dude) I realize that Gary is about 20 seconds away from a coronary - let's be real here, he could still kick your ass. You're at BEST the toughest member of a boy band (what up, Howie Dorrell?), so maybe cool your jets. And remember that this fight is over Amber's nonexistent honor - aka it is unequivocally not worth it.
--Written by Carrie, pics and captions by Clinto--
In MaciLand, we open on a scene of FrankenKyle attempting to wear a Buzz Lightyear costume and play with Maci and Bentley - and please note, by "wear" I mean "drape over his giant head." It is a little adorable, but mostly hilarious. Maci is shockingly failing out of school and most of the conversation is about how she just doesn't feel like getting a degree.
Farrah, her weird dad, Shelley Long, and her baby are decorating gingerbread houses. Farrah is talking about moving to Arizona and no one is really behind Farrah moving away because she is in no way self sufficient. Farrah's mom is worried about immigration and gangs in Arizona, I'm assuming because her understanding of that state is based on the news and maybe an episode of Breaking Bad where she confused New Mexico and Arizona? Either way, no bueno.
Tyler and Catelynn are getting their precious little house together, and Catelynn's dad calls her and sounds like the murderer from Scream on the phone. If he asks her if she likes scary movies, I'm out. BUT he wants to hang out with her and I desperately want one of them to have a decent parent, so I reallllllly hope this pans out. Tyler is SUPER happy to meet her Dad and hopes he moves out here and Tyler just supports her all the time and I want to squeeze them both so much. She has her hopes up and I swear to God, Teen Mom, if you eff this up for me, I will be piiissssed.
Maci is still trying to figure out if she wants to get a degree but Ryan is distracting her? Maci doesn't want FrankenKyle to work with Ryan even though hey, he'd be supporting a baby who isn't his, so maybe she needs to think about this logically. But it's Maci, so of course that's not an option.
Farrah and Sophia AND OH MY GOD THE PUPPY, thank you God the dog still exists, are going to AZ. Except the puppy is being dropped off and I'm just so happy that puppy is still alive I can't even take it. She keeps yelling "I ALREADY CHECKED SOPHIA" which, while I realize she didn't check her baby as luggage, it's Farrah and I wasn't sure right away that wasn't what happened. She's already annoyed at her family and who is surprised? No one? Cool.
Amber and Gary are trying to figure out custody for Leah, who is wandering around the house unattended as per usual. Gary somehow looks fatter and is whining about being without Amber. They should just get married as to not inflict their genes on another poor child. There's also a random new baby at the house which seems to bode poorly for everyone involved. No one ever knows what Leah's up to, so newbaby is basically screwed.
Catelynn is going to pick up her Dad and it's so, so sweet. He's no Butch, but he'll do. Also, Tyler is immediately the nicest person on the planet to him and THEY ARE JUST SO GREAT. They're just so in love but not in a childish way and why are they so much better than literally everyone who raised them?
Farrah is in Arizona with Shelley Long and weird dad and they're trying to figure out where to live/go to the train museum? This..mostly seems like filler to me. Shelley Long wants to go hiking (Troop Beverly Hllls clearly stayed with her) instead of helping Farrah find houses, and Farrah is sulking as usual.
Maci and FrankenKyle go to Maci's mom's house, who tries to talk some goddamn sense into her daughter and make her go to school. Maci freely admits her dropping out of school isn't for Bentley but is for her. Maci, how did you become so awful? I thought you were decent but you're like, basically a pale, southern Farrah. Which is the opposite of a compliment.
Catelynn and Tyler take her dad out to dinner, and how old do you guys think her Dad is? I really can't gauge it. Like 40? I feel like his affinity for long sleeved tees just make him seem younger. Tyler apparently tried to ask her dad for permission to propose to Catelynn BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DID, and couldn't get a hold of him. Tyler, you are just so much better than all of this.
Farrah et al are on their last day in AZ and Shelley Long is talking about the ghettoes of Arizona? Which apparently are a thing? In my mind, Arizona was all golf courses and desert, so I don't know what to make of any of this. Shelley Long thinks this perfectly gorgeous townhouse with a nice backyard is a horrifying hellhole and I just want to punch her and then move into that nice apartment.
Catelynn's dad is dressed like a hipster and looking at pictures of Carly with them. This is another kind of tragic Teen Mom moment and I really hate when the show just makes me so sad.
BUT here is Amber to again enrage me. Her skankbag cousin is taking her for a drive in the snow (please crash please crash) and calls Gary, who is putting up a Christmas tree. Amber flips out and cries because they're not putting up a tree as a family and goes to help. Enthralling.
Maci is still trying to make a call on college - come on, Maci. OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK. You're raising Ryan Jr with FrankenKyle and failing out of community college - just call it a day. I know the advisor says you're capable of succeeding but let's call a spade a spade. You're not. Give it up, marry FrankenKyle, pop out kids with giant heads, and be done with it.
Farrah is going to a restaurant in AZ with her parents whilst wearing white sweatpants. Farrah immediately flips out on her family and Shelley Long is again sans makeup and turned into Mac's mom in a wig. Farrah is being terrible and weird dad is pounding margs and you know what, weird dad? Good for you. Drinking heavily is the only appropriate reaction to Farrah.
Catelynn and her dad are bonding but he has to go back from whence he came. They have a cute goodbye, as does Tyler, and again, I'm feeling human emotion at an episode of Teen Mom. Catelynn acknowledges what a good guy Tyler is and how her dad is pretty shitty and sheee deserves a better family. The end.
Amber, Gary, and Leah decorate the tree together and everyone forgets that Amber slapped the shit out of Gary in the spirit of Christmas! Hooray! They put a giant snowman head on the tree (which is bullshit - this is America, you get an angel or a star, and that is IT) and put Leah to bed. Gary is wearing his classic t-shirt and shorts combo and trying to talk it out. Amber's talking about losing her sister and it's pretty sad and it pulls us riiiight into the Teen Mom montage before I can get too invested.
This night's montage: Farrah in white sweats, Tyler, Catelynn, Ryan in camo, Maci sitting on the counter, Leah sleeping, and Amber crying.