So, the greatest episode of my life of Teen Mom opens with AMBER GETTING HER ASS ARRESTED and Gary finally dressing weather appropriately and with a douchey Turtle from Entourage-esque Yankees hat. Gary is basically a battered wife at this point being like oh why did they arrest Amber because she only hit me a few times? I was half expecting the next scene to be Gary icing a black eye from when he "fell down the stairs."
Farrah has decided she hates everywhere she's been so now she wants to move to Florida. I support this decision because Florida is pretty much the worst place on Earth. I'm sorry if you're reading this from Florida but it's simple fact. Farrah wants to go to school in Florida and her Mom wants to keep Sophia and Farrah obviously sees this as her mom suffocating her? By allowing her to move to Florida and watch her daughter so she can get a college experience? Farrah logic is the best logic.
On the Maci front, FrankenKyle got into an accident and shattered his knee, but don't worry, they can rebuild him. Is it bad that when he's out of surgery I secretly hope he walks like Frankenstein for real? It is? Okay. I'm okay with that.
Tyler finished his first day of college and I'm so proud of himmmmmmm. He gives the best speech ever about following his plans and his dream and is going clubbing? I am SO EXCITED to see Tyler in a club. Catelynn is rightfully jealous and then just starts crying about her insecurities and I have no idea how they are this self aware. She somehow turns this into her and Tyler not working and Catelynn, no. Get it together. She...wishes she can have her 150 lb body back and is jealous and that's a sad sentence in general. Somehow this nightclub conversation turned into them needing counseling, and instead of Tyler being like youuuu're acting insane he's just totally fine with it. Like every 18 year old boy would be.
Maci is at some coffee place with Bentley and her friend and talking about FrankenKyle and we get our standard Teen Mom montage of someone's child running around totally unsupervised early this episode!
Farrah decided she hates the dog that she didn't train in any way because the dog has to wear diapers. Which is clearly the dog's fault. We've also reached my rage threshold early this episode because how is it okay that she has a baby when she can't train an effing dog. So she's giving the dog away and taking it away from her little daughter. Bravo, Farrah. Bravo. Farrah's weird Dad is also upset that she's moving to Florida and blah blah Farrah you suck.
Gary tells his mom about all the Amber nonsense and he's sad he cant talk to her about Leah and his mom's only advice was "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I'm pretty sure that sentiment was actually written about jailed, abusive baby momma's, so good call on that.
Maci is taking care of Bentley and FrakenKyle and Bentley is developing some pretty serious Ryan boss-like tendencies, including but not limited to throwing things and whining. Get it, Bentley.
Farrah gives the dog away to her neighbor and leaves her baby in the car, and I feel so bad for that sweet old lady. It's nice she got a new dog but it's Farrah's so I can only assume it will kill and eat her. Farrah is taking Sophia to Florida, the world's best place to raise a child. Farrah's excited and I'm pretty bored of seeing her be terrible all over the country.
Tyler and Catelynn go to counseling and they talk to the counselor about how much they love each other, and Catelynn just starts crying about how she doesn't feel good enough for Tyler. Tyler just keeps saying he loves her so much and I 100% teared up. Yep. Just happened.
Aaand here to ruin my sentimentality is AMBER, back from jail. Also I'm pretty sure some guy totally bit it trying to take a picture of her. Not worth it, guy. Also is there paparazzi in Ohio? Because if so, solid career choice. Gary celebrates her return by again donning a t-shirt with snow all over the ground. Baby steps with that, I guess.
FrankenKyle apparently is taking the Spencer Pratt approach to his injury and growing a flesh-colored beard. Maci takes Bentley to see Ryan, who is sooooo awesomeeee as usual. Ryan doesn't work anymore and I for one am shocked that didn't work out. They play trains and Bentley doesn't want to eat so he just lies face down on the floor? They're back on the whole suing Maci for custody business. Ryan's dad is like how do you live your life as such a mess and Ryan goes for his go-to shrug and avoid eye contact. Ah, Ryan. Never change.
Farrah then looks at a ridiculously amazing apartment building in Florida because she deserves it. I want to throw a brick at my TV.
Tyler helps Catelynn get ready to go clubbing and picks out her clothes and seriously? Best boyfriend ever. The montage of them at The Bank (actual club name) is ridiculous and looks straight terrible. BUT they have fun, Tyler's JAM comes on when they're outside having a heart to heart and he flips out and they go dance and it rules.
Maci gets Bentley back from Ryan and stops off on the way home to get hair extensions they apparently just ripped off of Britney Spears during her white trash nervous breakdown period. Shocking that getting extensions in Tennessee wouldn't turn out great. FrankenKyle is walking LIKE FRANKENSTEIN YEEEAHH and I guess isn't in his deep depression anymore because his attempt at a beard is gone.
Farrah takes Sophia to the beach, who is terrified of everything and Farrah just laughs at her 2 year old and tells her she's in denial. All of us have that beach memory, am I right guys? Of our moms calling us delusional and laughing at our fears? Farrah tells Sophia she'll do everything she can for them while weirdly looking like she's talking off camera to some Key Grip she wants to bang. Way to break the 4th wall, Farrah. That's like the only thing that you can do to suck at your job as a reality star and you managed to do it.
Amber and her mom and their ungodly tans talk about their relationship and it's boring and everything she says makes me want to punch her. I do respect her mom's commitment to the hoodie and vest combo though.