Thursday, September 22, 2011

Teen Mom Finale Recap (Season 3)

We don't want to say goodbye either.
Teen Mommers! It's our last week! We laughed, we cried, we were enraged often. So let's do this, guys. Get ready.

It's Sophia's second birthday! And Farrah celebrates it by immediately cursing at her Dad! Farrah makes Sophia basically the grossest cake of all time and her Mom immediately regales her with stories about how much pain Farrah was in. Ahh, memories. Also, Farrah's mom apparently has trained Sophia how to shake her head and scream, and its like something from my nightmares. Good job, Farrah's mom.

--Written by Carrie--
--Pics and captions by Clinto--
Best parent in the house by default: the balloon.
Maci and Ryan have more custody stuff and it is booooring. More Ryan please. Oh HEY BUTCH! Butch is living in Detroit but is coming to visit Tyler and Catelynn, and I for one am PUMPED. And by visiting, I mean he's living with them? Because that's fine. Catelynn is like oh he can live with us and then move in with my mom, which is pretty much the most white trash solution to all of this. 

Amber and Gary are still dealing with the whole "Amber beats me" situation, and Gary is again wearing a t-shirt in an ice storm. And don't you worry, he's moved up from Aeropostale to Affliction. Because he's big time now. Leah and Amber have a nice moment I guess aaand they are still the worst.

Butch is coming to move in with Tyler and Catelynn, and obviously brings his dogs without asking. Like any good Dad would. So they hang Butch's rules on the fridge and are basically going to be one big happy family. Hoooray?

Asking a guy named Butch not to do drugs is like asking a guy named Da Vinci not to paint.
Maci's extensions now appear to have ratty black streaks, so that's exciting. Maci is complaining about this or that and FrankenKyle is again giving sage advice, such as "Life is tough, get a helmet." Which is ALSO the advice LC gave Audrina on the hills (cue "the more you know" starswipe).

Back to Sophia's birthday party, Sophia is getting thousands of presents she won't remember at all from Farrah I guess, with the money she makes from doing nothing. Farrah and her mom are talking about her future and about how Farrah is unhappy and I continue to be genuinely impressed and disgusted (imprusted? dispressed?) that Farrah can make even her child's birthday about her. Farrah's mom is like oh hey go to college and I'll help and oh my god does she ugly cry when she says it. She also sounds like a muppet, which is kinda fun.

I read ugly cry and assumed Carrie was talking about Farrah.  My bad!
Amber's court hearing keeps getting cancelled because of snow or something, which leads to Amber defending that she beat him because that's "how she was raised." Which totally doesn't make her sound like a serial abuser.

 FrankenKyle is going with Maci to pick up Bentley from Ryan, who is talking about how pretty his motorcycle helmets are with his friends. Maci is like we don't get along so we should go through our parents, and Ryan manages to both totally seriously call her retarded and childish, which is kind of awesome. Ryan apparently assumes this is FrankenKyle's fault, who clearly has zero opinions on anything ever. Even Ryan's mom is like maybe grow up a little, and he's like okay just hug me and it's kind of cute and I'm somehow back on Team Ryan. Damn it Ryan, why can't I resist your total lack of charm?

Give that mom a hug. Momma's love hugs.
Farrah goes to talk to her friend about moving to Florida and about how she can't handle Sophia by herself all the time, which is literally the opposite of everything she's said on every single episode of Teen Mom. Also please note, she continues to rock the bird look like no other. She's supposedly thinking about leaving Sophia to go to Florida, and by thinking about it, I mean her mind is obviously made up on the subject and is ready to drop her daughter like a hot potato.

Maci and FrankenKyle are still talking about Ryan and what he's going to do about the whole Bentley situation. FrankenMumbles is AGAIN closed captioned because he can't seem to open his mouth and talk at the same time. This whole segment kind of seems like filler so that's fun. Bentley is pretty cute in it though, so I'm okay with it.

Also cute: baby Sophia's spaaaace pannnnnnts.
Back to Butch, who appears to have just put hot sauce into soda? Get it, Butch. Tyler then asks Butch's opinion (mistake, Tyler. mistake.) on the whole Carly at graduation situation and I can already see that her coming to graduation is a disaster in the making because of the white trash haze they call their family that constantly surrounds the two of them. I've said it once, I've said it 2000 times. POOR. TYLER.

Anddd good lord Amber and Gary. Gary sitting in that lounge chair and looking like one giant chin is just horrifying. His friend's advice is to write her a song? To get her back after she physically abused him? That's pretty much a Meg Ryan movie right there.

Farrah is making a pros and cons list about moving to Florida on a Magnadoodle and trying to pour her heart out to her barely cognizant two year old. Her con is literally "can't kiss each other." ....What? So she's like oh, based on my thorough pros and cons Magnadoodle, you should stay with Grandma. Based on how easily Farrah made that choice, I think from now on I'll make all my major life decisions via Magnadoodle.

Only slightly more reliable than a See N' Say.
Maci's foolproof plan of working out custody through her parents has immediately failed so she has to call Ryan to meet her at school. MTV plays some seriously ominous driving Bentley to school music but it seems like it goes just fine. Maci complains about Ryan over nothing and again, more Teen Mom filler.

Catelynn and Tyler are still trying to figure out the whole graduation situation, and they don't have a Magnadoodle so it's realllllly hard. They decide to not invite Carly's new parents which pretty much seems like the best case scenario - I don't know them but I can't see any way that they wouldn't be straight horrified by Tyler and Catelynn's whole family situation.

Amber's court date has finally arrived! And holy hell, Gary is wearing a coat! The judge revised the no contact order and Gary is super excited he gets to date his abuser again. I swear to god he's like a walking Lifetime movie. So they can't hang out with Leah but Amber has the freedom to smack him alllll she wants. Amber is like oh I'm not angry anymore but she sounds pretty angry when she's talking/going off about it so we'll see about all that.

*Still laughing at Carrie's "one giant chin" comment.
Farrah and her mom are shopping for Sophia aand it's really really cute. Farrah finally officially abandons Sophia, and Farrah's mom somehow spins it like Farrah's being selfless? Which is the exact opposite of what she's doing. And Farrah being Farrah, she finds a way to be defensive about her mom helping her out.

And ohhhh my godddd Gary wrote Amber a song. The two lyrics I picked up were "Constellation of my heart" and "Dancing on the river of life." It pretty much sounds like a Mouse Rat song. And if you get that reference, give yourself 50 Teen Mom points! Anyway, it's the worst song ever but I'm so happy I got to hear it.

(Amount of Teen Mom points I've been able to earn this season)
Ryan's Dad is like maybe Ryan needs another trade and Ryan's like no, look at this fine young man you've raised, and Ryan's dad straight laughs in his face. For awhile. And it. is. awesome. Ryan's dad then tries to have a serious talk about Maci and Ryan just yawns and yawns and plays with his sunglasses and texts and it's just classic Ryan. Ryan tries to kinda mend fences a little bit with Maci sooo that's cool. FrankenKyle is like ohhh he'll want to marry you next week, but clearly no one wants to marry Maci, not even FrankenKyle. So then Maci and Ryan meet for lunch and Bentley is precariously climbing over whatever he wants and no one is paying attention to him. They sort everything out which is good and Maci's like when are you gonna meet somebody? And he says never but that's obviously just because he hasn't met me yet. So they worked it out and Bentley's pretty cute soo I hope it sticks.

Farrah is saying goodbye to the places that remind her of Sophia's dad, and takes Sophia. Because what a fun first memory for Sophia! It's torture to watch and also, their 'places' are ridiculous - so far it's been a convention center, what looks like a construction site, aaand a high school. Romance! She then lectures Sophia about teen pregnancy. Does she get that she's like, a baby still? Why is pouring her heart out and trying to impart life lessons onto this girl?

"And this is where you were conceived."
Oh my godddd GARY PERFORMS HIS SONG FOR AMBER ON THE PHONE. NEW LYRICS: I would contour the moon/from star to star/I would do anything for her. Contour. The Moon. I want that to be my ringtone. So despite that stirring love anthem, Amber manages to shoot him down. She breaks his poor chinstrapped soul and also she's in his phone as Plain Old Amber? I'm not sure why but if the shoe fits.. So they're broken up and I'm fine with that because I don't really think they need to spawn anymore.

So Butch apparently is not following house rules and didn't come home last night. You know why? Because he went to prison. After like 2 days. And was maybe doing something called dropping dirty. Does anyone know what that means? Either way, come on Butch. You're the worst. And poor Tyler! Why do they have the saddest arc of Teen Mom? Is it because they're the only couple that aren't just horrible people?

Hug them through the computer screen y'all.
So Maci is back to the whole let's get marriedddd stuff with FrankenKyle. She's like we don't need to get married tomorrow but we need to get married. FrankenKyle gives her a strong maybe but apparently that's not enough for NINETEEN YEAR OLD Maci who is on the fast track to marriage. Then she talks about her life and how it's a mess because she got pregnant. Excellent attempt at a PSA, MTV. Had the rest of the season not been the exact opposite message, it may have been effective.

So for our FINAL closing montage we have: Sophia spinning around her kitchen and reading a book and taking a bath and playing with Farrah, and Farrah looking longingly at her, Gary doing as little motion as humanly possible as Leah plays with Amber, Catelynn and Tyler and their family just crying and hugging, Ryan washing his 4wheeler (yes.), and Maci and FrankenKyle in a warm, monster embrace as Bentley sleeps. So that's it, kids. Thanks for sticking with me through this mess all season. I think we're all a little stronger having gone through this together.

--Written by Carrie (Tweet her at Carriecam)--
--Pics and captions by Clinto (Tweet him at Clintopeel)--


  1. another 50 Teen Mom points for me! Gonna miss these recaps, gotta come back for another season/or additionally horrible MTV show

  2. urban dictionary says "dropping dirties" means failing a drug test

  3. well that's a little disappointing I was assuming it meant like dropping acid mixed with animal fertilizer


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