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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Teen Mom Episode 11 Recap! (Season 3)

Don't ever stop running.
So our PENULTIMATE TEEN MOM IS HERE! It's a a mother effing HOUR AND A HALF. So strap in, kids. Let's get this done.

We start out with Amber, who sadly broke our fair Clinton's heart. It's okay, Clinto. Time heals all wounds. Amber now has the trashiest nails (claws?) I've ever seen, appears to have dyed her hair darker, and has learned nothing from jail as Leah is running around the house unsupervised, as per usual.

Catelynn finished high school and apparently can afford an iPad, on which Tyler and her read an e-mail where Carly's new parents basically shut them down for bringing Carly for graduation. Tyler seems suuuuper sad that she can't be there, but Tyler, I'll totally come! My name even sounds like Carly! It's the same, pretty much. Sounds good? Good.

--Written by Carrie, pics and captions by Clinto--

Maci's extensions are looking rattier than usual, but FrankenKyle seems to be in good spirits. Maci's friend calls to rat Ryan out for not being with Bentley and oh my god FrankenMumbles AGAIN needs to be captioned despite the fact that he indeed speaks English. Cut to Bentley and Ryan playing trains, which is pretty much all they ever do together. Ryan is being an awesome dad and going out immediately after he puts Bentley to bed. Awesome.

Teen Mom is the only show that justifies going long so that its characters can talk on the phone/check their messages for an extra half hour.
Farrah's mom again tries to shut down Farrah's straight up awful idea of taking Sophia to Florida to no avail, because Farrah is the absolute worst. Farrah makes her mom cry and instead of acknowledging that, just pretends like it's not happening.

Catelynn's creepy ponytail teacher Monte is back and HUGS HER which is absolutely not appropriate. Ohhh he's lecturing her about her life and it's just unbelievably weird. Aaaand there's another hug. She also addresses him by his first name. If he has not purchased beer for his students at any point, I will eat my hat.

Hmmm Miller Light? That'll be two nakey huggies and a reach around.
Back to Amber, Gary's mom is talking to her about her life choices whilst wearing overalls, which to me seems counterintuitive. Amber fake ugly cries about losing Leah when you know she's really thinking about herself. Also, is Leah like way too cute to be comprised of Gary and Amber DNA? I don't get how she's not a tiny little monster.

Catelynn and her giant haired friend are talking about their future plans and eating pizza! Finally, everything is coming up Tyler! Tyler is eating pizza and waxing philosophical about his commitment to Catelynn, and his friend tells him that if he's still wondering "what if" at TWENTY FIVE, it's too late. I instantly hate that kid.

To be fair, he also has plans of retiring off his Pokemon collection by age 30.
Amber is going to see a psychiatrist and her talons are absolutely awful. Gary is looking fatter than usual and apparently drinking a Shirley Temple. He's talking to his friend about how he misses Amber and blah blah t-shirts blah blah Aeropostale. It also appears that he's now rocking a sweet pinky ring. Because if there's one thing that classes up a t-shirt, it's a pinky ring.

Maci and FrankenKyle give Bentley a bath and I will be damned if it is not the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. They talk about more Ryan stuff but basically the bath was so cute I didn't even listen.

Catelynn plans a supeeer fancy trip for her and Tyler involving some kind of hot tub hotel room at a ski lodge, which is pretty much the ultimate vacay for any couple. Tyler is talking to his Mom about Catelynn's issues and is like "well she's fat so she's insecure" whiiiich...come on, Tyler. Maybe don't say that on TV. He keeps saying that he's going to stick by her and I'm kinda getting worried because it just sounds like he's trying to convince himself.

Now which one of youse is gonna kiss the ring?
Against all odds and reason, Farrah got into culinary school in Florida! Which doesn't sounds like a waste of money at all! So they go to counseling with her parents, and the counselor is like how can you ask a mother to leave her child?! Really, counselor? Have you met Farrah? She can't take care of a dog. Maybe think of the baby and be like oh you can give her better care than your 19 year old asshole. Although, on second thought....Farrah's mom raised Farrah, so should she really get a do-over with Sophia? And ohhhh Farrah quote of the episode so far "Why do you challenge my parenting?" Indeed, Farrah, who could possibly question your skills as a parent, since all good parents spend their money on boob jobs and get their kids puppies then give them away.

Amber is talking to Krystal about having custody of her baby, and when Leah comes over she pretty much immediately pukes. That's about right.

Kudos for holding it in this long.
Catelynn and Tyler are finally on their romantic ski vacation! It looks like they're both skiing in jeans but I can't be sure. Then they talk about being soulmates and it's cute and I love it.

Maci and Ryan fight about Ryan going out and holy shit is he an asshole. He is spitting and being a total dick throughout this entire conversation and it's making his general douchebaggery a lot less funny. I think I may actually be team FrankenKyle at this point. Maci then relays this to FrankenKyle whoooo again mostly does his best brick wall impression when people try to tell him important things.

Farrah and her mom are again fighting about Florida - her mom's argument is still like "hey this is best for Sophia" and Farrah's argument is "having her away will be too hard on me." Who is surprised? I really don't want to see Sophia go the way of Farrah's puppy. That elderly neighbor cannot handle a toddler.

This screengrab captures the moment Farrah realizes the only thing standing between her and freedom is a children's sized dog costume.
Catelynn and Tyler are staying at some super creepy bed and breakfast that looks like it was decorated by Miss Havisham (literate Teen Mommers who get that reference, give yourself 100 Teen Mom points). It also apparently is train adjacent, which is super romantic. Tyler looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin, which I'm pretty sure is the appropriate reaction to that B&B, and Catelynn just wants to talk about feelings. What an awesome vacation for a 19 year old boy!

Amber has her meeting with Child Protective Services, and they dropped the ball because they let Amber continue to have custody of Leah. Leah's puking was caused by strep and two ear infections, so that's solid evidence of good parenting right there. Amber is also sick but not too sick to make cupcakes/eat frosting out of the can (okay, that didn't happen on screen but you know she did). Also, does anyone else find her fake eyelashes distracting? Good lord, they're like tiny bird wings on her face.

Also birdlike: Farrah.
Maci and FrankenKyle go to dinner and he looks a lot less potato-y in a button down. This of course is immediately ruined by his basic lack of any kind of dining knowledge. She immediately hounds him about marriage and he just looks like he wants to explode. Maci reiterates her plan to cut Ryan out and again, FrankenKyle acts as a beefy blonde sounding board.

And our closing FINAL MONTAGE IS: Amber eating cupcakes, Gary being a decent dad, Farrah picking up Sophia and her shiny shiny pants, Tyler and Catelynn holding hands in the snow, and Ryan in flannel playing with Bentley. ONE MORE TO GO after this kids! Get psyched.

--We wanna hear your thoughts on this week's episode in the comments!  Tweet Carrie... or Clinto!--

6 comments:

  1. 100 Team Mom points for Me!!!

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  2. To be fair, those were some pretty cool shiny shiny pants.

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  3. I am pissed Parker got 100 points and i didn't. Carrie I need another shot to earn some points. Ask me something related to the Mouse and the Motorcycle or something.

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  4. can we have a close up of amber's nails?

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  5. points don't come that easy Clinto.. but I would like to applaud the bird-resemblance catching this week, i was definitely thinking the same thing

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  6. Here is a closeup of Amber's nails I found: http://i.imgur.com/ILekO.jpg

    P this was the perfect week for bird resemblances what with the season premiere of It's Always Sunny and Sweet Dee Reynolds coming back into our lives.

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