Teen Mom Recap (Season 3, Episode 7)

"There's a place downtown where the freaks all come around. Where they go hardcore, and there's babies on the floor."

So, this episode of Teen Mom is brought to you by Farrah's ugly crying in the promo.  We start today, like so many days, with someone peeing on Maci. In this case, it's Bentley. After that debacle is taken care of, we see FrankenKyle being a distraction from Maci doing her school work because he basically is in no way self sufficient. No one is surprised. Catelynn is back from super sad Mom camp and Tyler and her are working at their mildly legitimate jobs. They get to walk together at graduation and want to have Carly there. Because it's every kid's dream to have their illegitimate child watch them walk at high school graduation, right? Or at least it is now that MTV has ruined everything. 

Farrah is taking her her baby to see her father's grave which seems totally age appropriate for a two year old. She goes to see her Mom to talk about all that, and holy hell, Farrah's mom without makeup looks less like Shelly Long and more like Mac's mom from It's Always Sunny with feathered hair. 

 --Written by Carrie, pics and captions by Clinto--

Artist's rendering.

Leah is still living with Gary as Amber gets her house ready for her child, which apparently consists of hanging a picture of Marilyn Monroe and buying some kind of play house. I have limited knowledge of baby proofing, but that seems pretty thorough to me. It should also be noted that Amber is sleeping on a mattress on the floor, on her cell phone, saying that there is no way to prove that she's an unfit mother. They have no evidence. Really, Amber? Your entire life is evidence that you're an unfit mom, starting at your giant child's face tattoo and ending with everything that comes out of your mouth ever. Amber's mom and Gary's family have to meet in the child services meeting aaaand I really don't want to see the people that spawned those two all in one shot.

 

Maci then gets Bentley ready to go see Ryan, which results in a fairly awesome montage of Bentley riding both FrankenKyle and an exercise ball. Maci gives Bentley to Ryan's dad who is ALSO wearing the Monster hat that Ryan loves so much. Did Monster decide to sponsor that family? If so, questionable choice. Ryan comes home from work looking weirdly hot to me, which is causing me to question a lot of things about myself as I type this. They're again talking about taking Maci to court and it's a little boring but I feel like will get pretty good when all the ish goes down. 

Ladies, control yourselves.

In awesome news, BUTCH IS OUT OF THE HALFWAY HOUSE! He won't be coming to Tyler's graduation party or his graduation. Solid dude. In continuing with the theme of shocking news, neither Catelynn nor Tyler's parents care if they graduate high school. BUT they care, and Tyler helps Catelynn study and ohhh my god is it so cute. 

Amber is getting ready for her meeting with Child Protective Services (which I will now be referring to as CPS because I'm gaaaangster) by straightening her hair. Amber's mom apparently is the one who stole all of Farrah's Mom's makeup because holy hell, blush, and is dressed like a field hockey coach. Her advice to Amber is "Don't say the F word and don't forget you're a mother." IF it were anyone other than Amber, I'd say that goes without saying but it's Amber, so I'm glad it got spelled out. Gary is AGAIN wearing a t-shirt, despite literally everyone else being in giant coats. I don't know why that's so unnerving to me but it's really is. 

In the animal kingdom coats are seen as a sign of weakness.

Maci is at school trying to get work done and is having trouble balancing school and being a mom. It's just the price of having it all, Maci. You can't have that demanding a life and expect to keep all the balls in the air. Just ask Oprah. Anyway, she kind of touches on the fact that she and Ryan don't really have any legal ish set up, which is foreshadowing to Ryan going to a lawyer to fight. for his rights. to CUUUUUSTODY (obvs that was sung as though I was a Beastie Boy). So he's going over the stuff Maci has done, and it should be noted that behind Ryan the whole time in the lawyer's office is a statue of the Three Stooges golfing? I guess Ryan got the Patch Adams of lawyers. Anyway, Patch Adams Esquire tells Ryan to just serve Maci with papers and be done with it, which I'm sure is awful but also will be suuuper fun to watch.

Catelynn and Tyler meet with their teacher Montee (what. is up. with these names.) It should be noted that Monty (I refuse to spell it Montee) has a ponytail, goatee, and a long sleeved t-shirt. Catelynn needs to get above a 60 to pass and get's a 65, so woooo she's graduating! With a D average! Yeahhhhh! Monty is talking to them about their education and stuff and the way he looks at Catelynn when he talks is creepy as all get out. Oh, then he calls her sweetie. No. Just, no. 

Ryan sitting in the Law Offices of Woopwoopwooopwoop.

So, I guess Amber and Gary's meeting with CPS went pretty well, and Leah is going to live with Gary for awhile. Amber's mom yells at Amber and Amber yells back at her Mom and their conversation to me is burning holes in my ears. Amber gets shriller and shriller and makes one of the ugliest faces I've ever seen when she yells HUH! at her mom. You know the face I'm talking about. Nuuuughhhh awful. Amber complains about how everything that's bad in her life is her mom's fault because Amber is a precious little angel who does nothing wrong, and her mom storms out. I'm not saying their family is a good example for forced sterilization, but I'm not not saying it either. 

Ryan is holding Bentley's choo-choo's hostage until Bentley sacrifices his passie, and they seem to be in some kind of Mexican stand off. I don't really know why they spliced that clip in there. Back to Farrah, who then explains her Daddy's grave to her daughter in a baby voice and it's really pretty awful to watch.  Farrah's baby daddy's parents give her a candle to light or something and I'm still pretty sure you shouldn't bring your two year old to her parent's grave. Even if your reality show demands it. I'm old fashioned that way. Farrah's mom and Farrah talk about death and whatnot and I think Sophia probably really wants to get home to play with her puppy, which to me, seems like a more reasonable way to spend an afternoon.

(I'm 2 lazy to photoshop Farrah and her mom into this)

Tyler's mom has a party for Tyler's last day of school, and Catelynn is regaling them all with stories about how she barely passed high school. They have pizza (!) and cake and play pool and Tyler thanks his Mom for all she does for him and he is such an amazing person. I want him to make me a pizza and then be my life coach. 

Maci brings Bentley to school and buys him Skittles, and I'm guessing Ryan dressed Bentley because his shirt is Ed Hardy. Classic Ryan. Maci is talking to her friend about how she didn't ever want kids whilst holding her child, so that'll be fun for him to watch when he gets old enough. 

Gary and his lovely mother go out to some kind of classy restaurant where they pay zero attention to what Leah is doing. Amber is still sleeping on her floormattress (where she belongs? where she belongs.) and is still bitching about her mom. She wants to get Leah back blah blah blah and is it me or do her eyebrows just stop? I just noticed this now but she legit has half an eyebrow on each eye. What is UP with this girl? Anyway her friend helps her or something and now she feels better. Awesome.

Not to lazy to photoshop this though.

Moooore on Maci and her school stuff. She's overwhelmed so her solution to that is just to not go to school. FrankenKyle gets TOLD by Bentley when he asks if he has to look for jobs. No free rides here, FrankenKyle. Bentley runs a tight ship. Maci is dropping a bunch of classes, and because she wants to be a journalist, she decides the best classes to drop are English and Public Speaking. Again, the Teen Mom world is ruled by logic.

Catelynn is fawning over Tyler being a college boy and again it's just so unbelievably cute. Tyler says he wouldn't wear a promise ring and EVEN THEIR FIGHTING IS CUTE. Le sigh.

Farrah and her mom go back to her baby daddy's family house and is awkwardly sorting through her feelings with his dad. I almost respect how Farrah unabashedly pours her heart out to his Dad about her feelings and how Derek's death affected her with zero self awareness of the fact that oh hey, you know who is probably hurting worse than her? His Dad. It's all around a pretty depressing and typically Farrah scene. Also, Teen Mom? I'd like for you to cut out all the sad and just let me bask in my own contempt for everyone but Catelynn and Tyler, okay? Okay. 

Our ending montage tonight is in no way cohesive and kind of lame BUT the preview for next week includes Maci asking FrankenKyle when they're having a baby. So I'll see you here next week kids, because thaaat is gonna be good. 

-Carrie