|"I'm sorry hun but today is animal print Tuesday and you're clearly dressed for silk pajama Wednesday. You're going to have to go in the back and change."|
Heeey kids. So this edition of Teen Mom is brought to you by a massive headache, so I'm way crankier than usual. Get. Excited. Anyway, Tyler and Catelynn feel guilty about not being in their baby's family's life and they basically get told that no one really wants them involved. Ouch.
Farrah learns that she passes culinary school and reads it aloud in the most dramatic way possible. She doesn't agree with the "C" she got in skills. I realize they mean cooking skills, but I prefer to take it generally, and in that case it seems like a pretty fair assessment. If not a generous one. So Farrah celebrates her graduation and total lack of money by getting a puppy. Listen, I love a good puppy. But the last thing on the planet Farrah needs is one more thing to take care of. She makes a joke about a puppy being better than another baby and even the teenage clerk at the puppy store is suuuuper uncomfortable.
FrankenKyle is taking care of Bentley while Maci gets her "journalism degree" from community college, which is like a quarter step up from Farrah's bullshit culinary degree. Maci then talks to her trashy friend about how awesome FrankenKyle is and how Ryan doesn't know. Let me say now that I am sooooo exciiiiittteeeed for Ryan to find out. Because Maci isn't planning on telling him. Because this show isn't televised, so there's just no way he'll find out.
|Maci's classmate kindly takes advice on how to properly narrate a Teen Mom episode should he ever take his career to that level.|
Meanwhile, Amber is excited for her baby to move in with her when the heat is turned on. What a fun sentence that is. It should also be noted that Amber is wearing another beret, because she's super classy and obviously easily confused for a Parisian with that hat. Cut to Gary and Leah, both lying on the floor, Leah crying and Gary crying to Amber about how much he loves her. Again, Gary appears to be sponsored by Aeropostale and shorts, while Amber is in a full winter coat. They're either in different time zones or Gary is really just that fat.
Farrah decided to the do the adult thing when adopting a puppy and just hide it from her Mom. Until Christmas. She compares it to having Sophia (Sophie?) and not being able to just take her back to the hospitals. Because that's the same. She...then...puts the dog over the toilet to get it to go to the bathroom. I can't. I just can't. Catelynn then goes on some parents-who-give-their-kids-
sleepaway camp? Catelynn's friend is clearly a Teen Mom reject, like
those women on Real Housewives who aren't insane enough to get an actual
storyline but just pop up as the women's friend on occasion. They wax
philosophical about giving up babies and seem like nice enough people
but pretty much immediately lose my interest. Where is the montage of
Tyler making pizza I was hoping this episode would center around?
|That's not it.|
FrankenKyle actually seems like a good dad and Ryan's mom suspects he's living there and Ryan's parents are again trying to get him to take Maci to court. Ryan is calm and not hilarious and I'm a little disappointed. Amber and Crystal (wearing a shirt that says IT WAS JAKE - does that mean anything to anyone? Or is it just a really stupid shirt?) are chatting and packing clothes so Amber can move into a house that's way nicer than mine. They're again talking about a joint birthday and Gary doesn't want to do anything with Amber and no one is surprised because no one wants anything to do with Amber. Now Crystal and Amber are yelling despite both agreeing about the party? Cut to Gary going out to the bar and talking to girls and groooosss just gross.
Maci and her friends are at teen mom daycamp and I feel like broadcasting everyone opening up about their difficult times is kind of awful. Keep it classy, MTV. However, I DID learn that if you have an open adoption, the adoptive parents can close it so the birth parents can't see the kid anymore? That seems kind of terrible. This, of course, scares the ish out of Catelynn and she starts crying and I kind of wonder why she's on this show. I assume because she needs the money but she just seems like a decent human being so I always feel kind of bad quasi-making fun of her. Come on, Catelynn, move on with your life so they can replace you with Amber's slutbag cousin who looks like she's always about 20 seconds away from getting pregnant so I can feel good about this again.
|Maci's friend-- not Amber's cousin-- but definitely a first rounder in next year's Teen Mom draft.|
Farrah again is going through the charade of hiding her dog who is currently shitting all over her house because Farrah can't raise a puppy but is totally cool to raise a child. Awesomely enough, Sophia can't stop saying Doggie, and I hope it's not just a baby thing but her first act of rebellion against her mom. AMAZINGLY, Farrah's sister figured out by her child repeating doggie doggie doggie that maybeeee Farrah bought a dog. And now, my teen mommers, we wait, for Shelley Long to find the dog and freak the eff out.
Cut back to the mom camp, and it's super sad and Catelynn is really worried about her daughter and maaan this is just making me really sad. Her friend seems really sweet and everyone's crying and they probably need therapy as opposed to their own show. I'm not a doctor or anything but I can't imagine an MTV reality show makes anyone's life better. Just ask literally anyone from any incarnation of The Real World or Road Rules. Except Sean who I think is a senator in Wisconsin. I guess he's doing pretty well.
|Wisconsin Representative Sean Duffy. You do not want to go against Carrie in a trivia contest trust me.|
(Non-Teen Mom sidenote: does everyone else's Teen Mom have commercials for Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, too? Because I hate them and have to put my TV on mute and not look at the TV when they come on.)
ANYWAY, it's finally Leah's birthday party. I guess Gary picked up a girl and is hungover from the night before. Also, he still makes my skin crawl. Go figure. Gary's mom is also a fine piece of woman. I can only hope Leah is one of those genetic freaks who doesn't get any of her family's DNA and turns out okay. Otherwise, she's going to grow up to be a porcine supermonster who will slowly devour the Midwest. So the party happens without Gary and when they call Gary to see where he's at, he's elbow deep in a milkshake and a bag of fries. Everyone looks miserable there, including Leah. Yeahhhhhh birthdayyyys!
|2nd scariest commercial played during any Teen Mom episode.|
Maci goes to drop off Bentley at Ryan's house, and Ryan immediately asks Maci if FrankenKyle is living there. Maci's defense is that nobody asked her if he was living with her. Good defense. He takes everything pretty well while still being awesome Ryan about everything. FrankenKyle sits in the car and breathes out of his mouth the entire time, which I'm pretty sure is his natural state of being. He goes through a gamut of emotions and then cries for some reason, and won't kiss Maci in front of Ryan. He is also a shade of red that makes it seem like his heart is about to explode out of his chest. Is he just scared of Ryan or does he genuinely hate him that much? I'm gonna go ahead and say either is a fair reaction.
Farrah goes back to hiding the dog when her mom and daughter come home. Her mom immediately assumes she has a bat instead of a dog but manages to figure it out. The dog is now wearing diapers instead of training the dog. Awesome. Her mom tries to talk sense into her and of course it's useless. Also, Farrah says "I guess after the shock of me having a baby, a puppy's not that big a deal." I only wish you guys could hear how loudly I'm sighing right now.
|Farrah's sister, another strong candidate in next years Teen Mommy Draft.|
Back to super depressing I gave up my baby camp - Catelynn is showing pictures and talking about her baby and this episode is really suffering from a lack of Tyler.
Amber goes to pick up Leah and just starts yelling at Gary for being too hungover to be a person at his daughter's birthday party. You know what the most upsetting thing about this is? He's such an a-hole that I actually agree with Amber right now. God. Damn it. Gary. I hate you for this most of all.
|Q: Is Amber's baby playing with Daddy's condoms? A: You don't want an answer to that.|
Back to Maci and FrankenKyle talking about Ryan - I'm not really sure why he's so mad and red still but I do really enjoy that he's Mumbles McGoo to the point that they actually have to caption what he says for the audience. Ryan's mom is trying to push him into taking Maci to court again, Ryan is indifferent yet hateful, and the baby is playing with Mardi Gras beads, which I'm pretty sure doesn't qualify as an actual toy.
Super sad birth mom daycamp is over and they do a trust hug or something and I feel bad for them. Amber is wearing all of her daughter's presents, Gary is napping, Ryan is with Bentley, Maci is with FrankenKyle, Catelynn is happy to be back with Tyler (wouldn't you be??), and all is right (albeit totally, totally effed up) in the Teen Mom world.