Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Last Night on Teen Mom: Season 3, Episode 5 (Recap)

MTV should have its own "It Gets Better" campaign for teen pregnancy except where it's flipped and things just get worse.
Heeeyyyy kiiiids. So again, Catelynn and her terrible narration kick off this episode of Teen Mom 3: Back in the Habit. They're in a cornfield or something? It's Halloween? Anyway, Catelynn and Tyler go back the apartment and realize that things cost money (insert topical debt ceiling joke here) and that they probably need jobs. Shocking, I know. 

Onto Farrah, who is in culinary school and washing dishes while her baby plays with the dishwasher. And then bites her. Which is awesome. Farrah's sister calls her - oh yes, Farrah has a sister. And guess what! Farrah doesn't get along with her sister. Because everyone, including her own mother, pretty much can't stand to be around Farrah. So they're going to get pumpkins or something, or whatever you do with your estranged siblings. 

--Written by Carrie, pic'ed and captioned by Clinto--

Random "Dat Ass" shot of Farrah's mom.
Switching gears to the only person on the show more insufferable than Farrah, we have Amber. Amber and Gary broke up, so Amber goes out with three guys of equal girth to Gary, two of which may be twins. I don't know, I can't tell, white guys with shaved heads and chains all look pretty much the same to me. Either way, that dinner looks like a pre-cursor to the worst. gangbang. ever.

If their online dating profiles don't list professional wrestling and Eminem as their top interests than they are lying.
 And back to an attractive one! Maci is moving and Frankenboyfriend basically singlehandedly lifts the couch over his head and splits it in half. She goes to drop Bentley off with Ryan who yawns through an entire conversation about his son's birthday party and is wearing a flat brimmed hat. He is the Picasso of disinterest and I love it so much. 

So, back to Catelynn and Tyler. They're babysitting her brother who is pretty much the most heinous child ever. Catelynn doesn't have a resume but I can't imagine what job she was trying to find via phone call that would require a resume. Anyway, their scenes are kinda boring without Butch. 

Going back to Maci and Frankenboyfriend, it's Bentley's birthday! When Ryan asks to see Bentley and Maci invites him, Frankenboyfriend throws out this witty bon mot: "That'd be cool.. (super quietly) not." Good one. Good one. Anyway, MUCH to my dismay, Ryan doesn't come and they go to an aquarium and it looks really fun. Real talk: I've never been to an aquarium and this one looks awesome and now I'm jealous of a child of one of the Teen Moms. This may be blogging rock bottom.

Teen Mom: 1 Carrie: 0
Aaaand cut to Gary and Leah feeding ducks while Amber hangs out with her cousin named Krystal. What the hell, Teen Mom? It's like you're trying to find people with WT names. Anyway, cousin Krystal actually tries to talk sense into Amber and be like oh hey stop trying to bone down and get your daughter back. And Amber reacts totally rationally and reflects on her actions and how her choices have put her in this debacle. OH OH WAIT, no she didn't. She yells and cries and makes no sense and blames it on everyone else because she is the worst non-Real Housewife on television. Possibly in America.

Back to Farrah, who is practicing for her culinary school final and then going pumpkin patching with her sister. Sophia gets her face painted and dude she really is a cute little kid. They're on a hayride and now this is making me really want to do Fall stuff. Deluded Farrah, when asked of plans, said she wants to open her own restaurant in San Jose. Again, totally realistic goal when you're a teen mother. 

Farrah's team of investors including the very wealthy hayride scarecrow cutout man. 
Catelynn and Tyler are applying for jobs. Tyler applies to a pizza place because he loves pizza. Oh my god I just love him to tiny little pieces. His pizza enthusiasm matches mine and that's a rare find. I'm not sure really what went down with Catelynn but the manager at that shop reminded me of someone who should run an old timey brothel. Too many necklaces or something. 

But I digress. Maci goes to drop Bentley off with Ryan who appears to be wearing underarmor under a t-shirt with white sunglasses. GET IT, RYAN. You look great. He will not stop unpacking his car to talk to Maci and continuously spits on the ground. Again...GET IT RYAN. Although in all seriousness, what a terrible person to raise a child with. 

"Dat Ass" pt. 2.
Moving on, Farrah is still preparing for her culinary school final. Which..actually seems kind of hard. And surprise, Farrah effed it all up and her mom has to help her fix it. Direct Farrah quote "I think I have 'C' effort work." Keep reaching for those stars, Farrah. 

Amber goes real estate shopping wearing a beret of some sort aaand complains about a huge house being rundown, when she doesn't have a job and God knows who is paying for it. Cool. Real cool. 

Maci is complaining about Ryan again to someone about Bentley's birthday and about taking him home after the party or something. Cut to Ryan who is at an awesome bonfire with his family and I'm again jealous of activities taking place on Teen Mom. Also, is that guy in the plaid Ryan's brother? Because heeee is handsome. Anyway, they're all telling Ryan to take Maci to court for custody and about how not having custody is hurting Ryan's mom? Not following the logic on that one but that's neither here nor there. 

Ryan's mom. The real victim in all of this.
Catelynn and Tyler are still waiting to hear if they got jobs yet. And yayyyyy Tyler gets a job making pizzas! Aww and look how happy he is! Ohhhh I love him so much it's not even okay. All the pizza he wants! Living the dream. Also, how have they not had jobs by age 18? Is that normal? I feel like it's not.

Anywayyyy, Amber won't take Leah trick or treating because of neighborhood harassment, which I can only assume means the neighbors have formed a mob and chase her with pitchforks and torches. Right? Right. That's what I would do. Anyway I guess Gary isn't taking her trick or treating, likely because he can't comfortably walk the four blocks necessary to get his daughter some candy and Amber can't go for some made up reason and Halloween is ruined. Or something. 

Amber's neighborhood on any given night.
Farrah gives her presentation and I guess she didn't have to do a business plan? Did she fail culinary school? Is that even a thing? Aaaand they called her out for being a bitch and that's a little awesome.
Amber gets Leah ready for Halloween and Leah cries the whole time but I would definitely cry the entire time too if I were Leah.

FINALLY IT'S BENTLEY'S BIRTHDAY! And it looks pretty awesome, they're in some kind of giant bouncy castle emporium and I'm happy to know that's a thing. Ryan's family, in Ryan tradition, could not be less interested and ignores everyone. Ryan is still laying the smack down and not letting Maci have him and calls Maci a piece of shit. Which may not be accurate all the time but she is being kind of awful right now. AND Ryan quote of the night, "She's such a bitch." Ryan's Dad: "Well you don't have to stay that." Ryan: "I'm stating a fact. That's what she is." Now that I've typed that out, it looks less hilarious and more awful but I think it was all in his delivery. 

You had to be there.
SO, in closing: Farrah's family takes her out despite the fact that she probably failed out of culinary school. Which explains a lot about why she turned out the way she turned out. Farrah looks like she's about to smash a wine glass over her mom's head, which is pretty much what I think her reclining expression is.

Catelynn and Tyler are eating pizza and Tyler calls his mom to brag about the pizza place job and it's so freaking cute. Also, it appears Catelynn is wearing some kind of kimono. And oh heeey Catelynn got a job at the boutique, despite not having a resume. To work at a boutique. I'm sure you're all surprised as I am. Catelynn says, "Everything we want in life is coming true," which makes me kind of sad BUT I like them so I'm happy that they're happy. I'm selfless like that.

 Amber is going to look for houses instead of taking Leah trick-or-treating and the house she sees is a giant single family home for 640/month. Am I just living in the wrong place? Is that normal in some places? Please, fill me in, because right now it's just making me mad. Anyway, it ends on a montage of kids trick-or-treating with their parents except for Leah because Gary was busy eating and Amber was busy getting more things handed to her. Again, justice is served by MTV.

-Carrie (Hit her on the tweeter!)

1 comment:

  1. I'm with you. The "She's such a bitch" moment was THE moment of the episode. Also, Leah looked super cute in her Cinderella outfit in the trick-or-treat montage. And the amount of pizza-lovin' in Tyler's joyous face just about made my day as well, especially during the job interview when he exclaimed "I love pizza!"