Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Teen Mom 3 Recap Episode 3

"Welcome home Master Splinter"
Ohh heeey recappers, we're back. Starting off, apparently Catelynn and Tyler are straight up sponsored by Pizza Hut. Because that's fine. Also, Catelynn's mom is picking up her stepdad from jail? Or something? And everyone's stressed about that and Tyler continues to be the most stable person on this show. Maci and Frankenboyfriend move in together and Maci, again exercising good judgement, wants Frankenboyfriend to meet Ryan. Because that's going to be great. I personally welcome this as I am Ryan's #1 fan, but as Maci is someone who cares about Franeknboyfriend, what a mistake.

When you find yourself holding a pizza cutter to your chest during arguments -- it's probably time to hit the gym. 
And oh, Gary and Amber. It's become increasingly clear I can't just ignore them, since Amber loves to do things like hit her boyfriend on tv and assume that it's no big deal. Weirdly enough, the crack detectives in her hometown apparently have a television with MTV and want to talk to her about assault. Amber makes this about her and how that's Gary's fault. At one point, she asks Gary "SHOULD I JUST GO TO JAIL? DO YOU WANT ME IN JAIL?" Let me answer this for everyone in America: Yes, Amber. Everyone wants you in jail. Probably including your own Mom and most of all, me.

She also says "THIS IS ABOUT ME. ME. WHO IS GOING TO JAIL? ME. Not you. ME. It's all about ME right now, Gary." Me count in those sentences? Roughly 2,000. And here I was thinking when you have a baby, it becomes all about your child. Thanks for again showing me what's up, MTV.

With mommy and daddy busy fighting, the baby attempts to build an escape ladder out of q-tips. 
Ohhhhh Farrah. Super excited to see that you're trying to get help from the government. Because you and your fake tits deserve it. I'm not saying you embody everything that people hate about social programs, but I'm also not NOT saying that either. Theeen it pretty much gets pretty sad about how Farrah's baby daddy died and I feel kind of bad about it but not bad enough to condone any of Farrah's actions.

OMG YES there's Ryan and he's wearing a Monster (the energy drink not the job search site/Kanye song) hat. He says he'll behave at Bentley's birthday party like a kid says he won't light something on fire when he's got matches in his hand. I. cannot. wait. for him to meet Frankenboyfriend.

Back to Catelynn, Tyler's getting up early to pick up his dad from jail with his family. As one does. Everyone is SUPER excited to see Butch, Butch's mustache, Butch's neck tattoo, AND Butch's mullet. Butch's daughter is pregnant and Butch is in no way surprised. Because THAT is how Butch raised his kids.

Sad Teen Mom scrapbook page or SADDEST Teen Mom scrapbook page?
In all seriousness, if one thing makes me really sad on this show, it's how normal and well adjusted Tyler is in the face of the cartoon characters he has to call his family. He is literally sitting there offering his Dad life advice and picking him up from jail when really, any other kid in his situation would be smoking or snorting or mainlining or whatever you do to get on meth in an alley somewhere. He would be my favorite if Ryan wasn't the most hilarious person on earth.

In something that finally makes sense on this show, Farrah gets denied government assistance. Good job, America/Derek's mom. I don't want that little girl to want for anything but when someone's mom picks fake boobs over benefits for her daughter... I'm pretty okay with Uncle Sam shutting everything down.

Catelynn starts off her yelling narration with letting us know that Butch doesn't have to check into the halfway house until later. Those points I gave America for shutting Farrah down? Taken away for Butch's existence and ability to do what he wants. Tyler just looks pissed that his dad exists, and I'm gonna go ahead and say that's a fair reaction.

Farrah's getting a lawyer or something to fight the social security thing who looks a lot like a sex offender. Farrah's mom is wearing some sort of fringe jacket and talking like she subsists on quaaludes, soooo obviously she's a ton of help in this situation.

(Not a screencap from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman)
Gary and Amber need to take an attorney and need to take a cab there. Why? Why you ask? Oh, well because they both didnt pay driving or parking tickets and lost their licenses. So, to recap: they are not responsible enough to own and operate a vehicle, but they ARE responsible enough to raise a child. Their lawyer has a silly bowtie on and Gary wore a t-shirt to the meeting.

Judging by Amber's face, I don't think there's any chance she's staying out of jail.
Oh dear god Tyler's dad is talking about AND I QUOTE "getting his freak on" to his soon. Tyleeeeeeeer. I just want to hug you through the TV. He is literally begging his Dad to do the right thing. And his dad is flat out saying no. Awesome. AWESOME. This kind of sadness makes this show less fun.

BUT OH. THERE'S RYAN to save the day! Ryan is again in his favorite Monster hat and won't look his mom in the eye when she talks to him. Like a boss.

Farrah yells at her mom about the baby or something and tells her mom to grow up. I think I blacked out for a minute because everything was so shrill.

Wait, back to Catelynn and Tyler - was Butch banging Catelynn's mom? Was that the case? Because ewwww oh goddddd ewwwwww. Butch is going in a halfway house and I kind of think I want Tyler to teach me how to be a better person. Seriously, the knowledge this kid drops is unreal. Good job Catelynn - especially because you're the second least attractive girl on this show.

Farrah somehow made her baby losing social security benefits about her. Because of course she did. Amber makes everything about her and yells at Gary and says it's HIS fault she hit him. Because - and I say this without hyperbole - she is the most irritating person on television. Please note that list includes Tara from True Blood, Guy Fieri, and that girl from those Ed Connection online college commercials who goes to school in her pajamas.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, Frankenboyfriend and Ryan finally meet - it's pretty tame. However, based on the way Frankenboyfriend spoke, I don't know that Ryan is any less convinced that he's slow. And thus ends the most depressing episode of Teen Mom to date.

When their hands touched, all the world's knowledge was shared between their sweaty man palms.
[Written by Carrie, Captioned by Clinto]


  1. Another bang up job Carrie. Thanks for mentioning the Ed Connection girl-- provides great context to Amber's terribleness.

  2. these truely are priceless, and thank you for including tara from trueblood


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