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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Last Night's Teen Mom Recap: Season 3, Episode 4

Tyler, it was his destiny to become the greatest Teen Mom.
Oh heey Teen Mommers. We are BACK. Maci is super shiny today and is living with Kyle. Surprise Surprise, Maci failed a bunch of classes and decides that's a great time to tell her parents she moved in with Frankenboyfriend. Her parents are like oh hey Maci, maybe stop being an idiot but it's Maci so that's not happening.

She passed College Success but failed nearly everything else. Subtle golfclap.
[Written by Carrie, pics n' captions by Clinto...read on!]

Onto Catelynn and Tyler, Catelynn's awesome mom starts yelling at her because Butch, the stud he is, can't contact her mom. Again, Tyler is the voice of reason and just makes me so. sad. for everyone. It's like watching him trying to claw his way out of the white trash landfill and he just keeps sliding further and further back into the abyss. Tyler says stuff about how they need counseling and Butch makes a super good point about how no one can force him into rehab, "not even his truck."

"I tried."
Farrah is trying to keep her dead baby daddy's mom away from Sophia or something. Amber is a terrible human being and Leah is staying with Gary because Amber wants to stay with her whore friend. They talk about going to an attorney so they dont lose their kid and I hope to god that doesnt happen because I'm 99% sure that baby is better off with the state. Or at least less at risk to be morbidly obese.

A family portrait minus the ill fitting Aeropostale shirts.
Farrah again is watching her baby from afar because I'm pretty sure she's the most negligent Teen Mom. Which is pretty much the saddest sentence that ever was. OH HEEEEY RYANNNNN. Cut to Ryan letting Bentley doing whatever he wants in the apartment. Never change, Ryan. Maci goes back to Frankenboyfriend who apparently had just taken a nap. Because of course he did. Maci is tired or something because she goes to school two hours away from where she lives. Frankenboyfriend tries to help but realizes his solution makes no sense but is oddly sweet about all of it. This is a really boring episode of Teen Mom.

Teen Mom: I Took A Nap Edition
Amber goes to talk to child protective services because she's an awful mom and is talking to her whore friend about it. Then some dude name Bob calls and lets her know they're going to the police station? She's confused but basically shouldn't be because oh hey, she's been physically abusive ON TV for the past year and as I understand it, that's generally frowned upon. 

"Look our baby is beating herself! Less work for me." 
Farrah and her mom are trying to deal with the whole Farrah's baby daddy's mom's lawsuit business, and Farrah's mom continues to creep me out. I legitimately spend half my Teen Moms trying to figure out who Farrah's mom reminds me of - she's like Shelley Long after a lobotomy or something. I swear once I figure it out, it'll be the best day of my life. Okay, now THAT is the saddest sentence ever.

Farrah's mom? Methinks yes.
Back to Maci and her made up drama. Her life is hard or something. I really am so bored with this episode. Frankenboyfriend is playing on some kind of playground equipment which is oddly fitting. He is also wearing the first Nike t-shirt I've seen on a grown man since 1993. So I guess Maci and Bentley are moving back somewhere and Frankeboyfriend will be by himself and is saaaaad.

Catelynn tries to talk sense into her batshit crazy white trash mom and their situation just makes me really, really sad. Like I really can't joke about them sad. Unless Butch is around. Then I can. Either way, watching a teenager who basically has a terrible family life and has to talk sense into her mom is pretty godawful. Also, I want Tyler to get his own talk show. Like Dr. Phil but Dr. Tyler and I can be his first guest and we can have a good cry together and he can probably be on the OWN network. It's just a thought.

Butch is actually an associate professor at the London School of Economics as you can see from this pic where he gets confused putting on his glasses. 
Maci is looking for apartments and her landlord looks about my age which is giving me a solid idea of what my life could look like if I moved to Chatanooga. I'd own property and rent it to Teen Moms. The American dream! So Maci finds an apartment and is leaving Frankenboyfriend alone. And if there's not hope for them, what hope is there for any of us? Amber and Gary go to the police station and I just really hope they never let them leave. Amber AGAIN consults her whore friend and her whorefriend again offers no advice. Gary is wearing another t-shirt and his mom is just a lovely woman. She gives Gary bullshit advice about Leah and is also wearing a t-shirt.

"Hey man you might wanna throw on a jacket or some pants." "I't's cool my matching Aeropostale body suit will keep me warm."
Farrah again is talking with her mom about what's going on with her babydaddy's mom (babygramma?) and holy god who does her mom remind me of? I can't handle it. Maybe an old Kristin Wiig character? Farrah actually says to her "THIS IS WHY YOU SUCK AT BEING MY MOM" when her mom tries to help her, another indication of how well she was raised.

"Let that b*tch mention Barney one more time."
In closing, Catelynn and her mom go to therapy and I think her mom has a bald spot but regardless, PROGRESS! Farrah I guess fought off her babygramma aaand that lead to awesome shot of Farrah's dad (stepdad? who is that guy?) playing with Sophia in a tiny, tiny firefighter's hat. More of that and less of Farrah, please. Maci moved to Chatanooga (originally typed: Chatanoogay) and misses her Frankenboyfriend. BUT OH HEY, he quits his job (guarding bridges I assume) and moves in with Bentley and Maci, yayyyyy. I guess something happened with Amber and Gary but I wasn't paying attention so I assume they lost the baby and both died in a fire. Right? Right.

"U can't kill me with fire.  I am Satan."

1 comment:

  1. "I legitimately spend half my Teen Moms trying to figure out who Farrah's mom reminds me of - she's like Shelley Long after a lobotomy or something. I swear once I figure it out, it'll be the best day of my life. Okay, now THAT is the saddest sentence ever."

    Kim Catrall?

    ReplyDelete